Facing a pending criminal case or other stressful situations can feel overwhelming. These circumstances can trigger emotional responses like fear, anger, or frustration. It's crucial to focus on what is within your control during these times. As a criminal defense attorney, I use this tool to find and maintain peace in my life, and today I am sharing this tool with you.
The Four Agreements is an amazing book written by Don Miguel Ruiz. The Four Agreements he shares in his book are:
1) Be impeccable with your word;
2) Don't make assumptions;
3) Don't take anything personally; and
4) Always do your best.
Today, I am sharing about how you can use these agreements to guide your thoughts and your actions. Becoming aware of, and then practicing using these agreements, will help you have healthier relationships, make better decisions, and reduce your anxiety, especially when you have a pending legal case or other stress in your life.
Be Impeccable with Your Word
Don Miguel Ruiz explains “be impeccable with your word” like this:
“Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”
I have oftentimes felt like my energy is negatively impacted by being in the same room with people who are gossiping. When I encounter people gossiping, I make one of two choices; I leave or I suggest to those who are gossiping that they stop. I no longer spend time with people who gossip.
When I was interviewing for a job I was hiring for in my law firm, beyond looking at the applicants’ skills and knowledge, I also looked very closely at candidates’ attitudes, and I spent a great deal of time making sure that my hiring process would maximize the chance of me getting to add a team member that was anti-gossip and who had a positive attitude. I don't spend time with people anymore, who spend their days criticizing others and just being mean. I spend time with people who want to rise and who want to enjoy rising together.
In the more than fifteen years that I have been working as a criminal defense attorney, I have noticed that many people who are facing a pending criminal case, use their words against themselves, beating themselves up mentally over and over again. But when they realize that they can use their words to speak kindly and encouragingly to themselves, things start to shift in a positive direction.
When you have a pending legal case, and you ever feel tempted to say negative messages to yourself, you can choose a re-frame:
Instead of saying “I’m stupid,” you can say “I’m learning how to make better choices.”
Instead of saying “I’ll never understand”, you can say, “I am asking questions to get the answers I need.”
Instead of saying “I’m a mess”, you can say “This breakdown is an opportunity for a breakthrough.”
Don’t Make Assumptions
Don Miguel Ruiz explains “Don’t make assumptions” like this:
“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”
Have you ever had an experience where you go through a whole series of events in your mind about some disaster that could come to pass, only to realize that nothing even close to what you imagined was even going on?
When you have a pending legal case, take these actions instead of making assumptions:
Ask your attorney questions. Uncertainty is unsettling, so communicate with your attorney to obtain answers to the questions that can be answered for you.
Avoid making up worst-case scenarios in your mind. Don’t be afraid to ask your attorney about worst case scenarios. Talking through your specific questions will help you feel more peace.
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don Miguel Ruiz explains “don’t take anything personally” like this:
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions
and actions of others, you won't be the
victim of needless suffering.”
One of the greatest fears that many people have is public speaking. Their greatest fear is not of being eaten by a shark or falling off a cliff; it's speaking to a group of people. How can this be possible? It's possible because we have a desire to be liked and accepted.
It's this desire to be liked and accepted that oftentimes has us playing small. We don't want to add our valuable perspective to a discussion because by being silent, we shield ourselves from criticism and the possibility that another person would have a bad opinion of us.
Imagine for a moment, what it would feel like if you were immune to the opinions and actions of others.
Imagine for a moment, what it would feel like if you knew that nothing others do is because of you.
Imagine for a moment, what it would feel like if you knew that what others say and do is a projection of only their own reality.
When facing a pending legal case, if you free yourself from taking things personally:
You will be less impacted by the negativity of others around you.
You will reduce unnecessary emotional suffering.
You will cultivate greater emotional strength.
You will be able to make more well-reasoned decisions.
By reminding yourself to not take things personally, you cultivate greater emotional strength and reduce unnecessary emotional suffering during legal processes.
Always Do Your Best
Don Miguel Ruiz explains “always do your best” like this:
“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”
When you are facing a pending legal case, it can be a very emotionally draining time. Oftentimes that is at least in part because you are engaging in self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.
When facing a pending legal case, if you remind yourself to always do your best you’ll experience these benefits:
You’ll cultivate self-appreciation for the positive change you are making.
You’ll find peace in knowing that you’ve given your all to the process, even when things don’t go exactly as planned.
How to Realize When It’s The Right Time to Apply the Four Agreements
When I am feeling unsure about a decision that I need to make, or if I'm feeling unease in my body, I find that when I pause and allow myself to feel those feelings that are coming up, the problem I’m experiencing can usually be solved by looking to the Four Agreements.
Was I not impeccable with my word?
When I have said something in a way where I wasn't speaking my truth from a place of love, I get to apologize and commit to doing better the next time.
Was I making assumptions?
Sometimes I feel discomfort because I'm assuming that someone is thinking something about me. The way through this is to stop assuming and to ask questions and to bravely seek clarification.
Was I taking something personally?
Sometimes the discomfort I feel is because I've taken something personally, and I've chosen to make something about me that probably had nothing to do with me in the first place. So, I give myself permission to let it go and not make it about me.
Was I trying to be perfect instead of doing my best?
And finally, sometimes the discomfort that I'm feeling is present because I was trying to be perfect, and I was being intolerant of mistakes. When this comes up for me, I get to remind myself that perfection is not what I'm aiming for and that as long as I am doing my best, my best is always good enough.
If you found this article beneficial, we also would love for you to share it with others who may be dealing with the uncertainty of a pending legal case or experiencing other stress in their lives. By passing along the insights we've gained, we can support one another and make our world a better place.
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