On the night before Halloween years ago, I realized I’d forgotten to buy pumpkins for my kids to carve. I arrived at the grocery store at 8:30 p.m. after a long day of work, only to find all the regular-sized pumpkins had already been sold.
Disappointment hit me like a sledgehammer. I thought of my kids, then ages 3 and 6, sad and disheartened. What would I tell them? I took a deep breath and I tried to focus on finding a solution. That’s when I saw a bin filled with mini pumpkins. I grabbed a few, deciding that arriving with mini pumpkins seemed better than arriving home with no pumpkins at all.
I pulled up into our driveway and sat in my car. I took a deep breath in and I exhaled. As I exhaled, I released the disappointment that I had in myself for arriving home late. As I exhaled, I released the frustration that I felt over the fact that the pumpkins I had wanted to purchase were sold out. The past had come and gone, and this was the one moment that I had right now. I let the weight of those things leave my heart and I opened my heart to opportunities for joy and connection that awaited me just inside my home.
My little ones gave me welcome home hugs and kisses and then we jumped into pumpkin coloring action. I expressed excitement in telling them that they each got three pumpkins, instead of just one and that we had lots of bright colored markers to color them with (as they were too small to carve). Since I was excited about these little pumpkins, they were excited about them too.
This is the magic that awaits us when we’re kind to ourselves.
Instead of feeling so defeated by the lack of normal-sized pumpkins, I opened my eyes to other possibilities. I looked for a workable alternative and found one. Instead of electing to wallow in my disappointment or beating myself up emotionally for failing to get to the store earlier, I chose to feel grateful that I remembered to get pumpkins for my kids after a very demanding and long day. Instead of hurrying the kids since it was getting late, I chose to enjoy being with them in all their decorating glory, marker-covered hands and all. I cherished being with them as they worked at their natural pace. In my view, an occasional late night while making a special memory together is worth the lost sleep.
While my disappointment in this situation is not the same as the disappointment someone may feel when facing a pending legal case, what I learned from this experience is directly applicable and useful in how to approach disappointment, and so I want to share it with you. If you’re facing a pending legal case, you may know what it feels like to be disappointed. It’s easy to focus on what you could have done differently or the things that didn’t go as planned. Maybe you’re constantly replaying how you ended up here or you’re worrying about what’s next. As hard as it is, the only moment you have control over is the present one.
Like my mini-pumpkin moment, your pending legal case or stressful situation is a chance to practice self-kindness. Even though things didn’t go as expected, there are always options. Although you can’t change the past, you can change how you treat yourself during this difficult time.
Every day we have opportunities to be cruel to ourselves, but we get to decide whether to take those opportunities or instead if we will choose to practice self-kindness. I believe that when we have a practice of being loving and kind to ourselves, that naturally overflows into the way we interact with others.
I actually think it’s really not possible to truly love yourself and simultaneously feel hate in your heart for another person. So, one thing you can do to change the world in a positive way, is to start by being kinder to yourself.
As parents, we want our children to keep trying so they will learn that they can do hard things, and we want them to love themselves even when they make mistakes.
Yet, when we make mistakes, like forgetting to buy the pumpkins to carve before the grocery store sells out, our default setting is to come down very harshly on ourselves. But treating ourselves with harshness and criticism does little to motivate us to improve.
Instead, it causes needless feelings of guilt and disappointment. It uses up precious energy to feel this way. That same energy has the potential to be channeled into creating an opportunity for growth, healing, and connection.
Some people believe criticism is a great motivator and that if we’re not self-critical, then we won’t succeed at the highest levels. Research, however, shows that self-criticism might not be the motivating factor many believe it to be.
In Michelle McQuaid’s article, “3 Ways to Turn Self-Criticism Into Self-Compassion,” published in Psychology Today, she writes about the harms of self-criticism and cites one study where a Stanford University professor found that the more people criticized themselves, the less likely they were to meet their goals.
“In fact, neuroscientists suggest that self-criticism actually shifts the brain into a state of self-inhibition and self-punishment that causes us to disengage from our goals,” McQuaid writes.“Leaving us feeling threatened and demoralized, this self-criticism seems to put the brakes on our plans to take action, leaving us stuck in a cycle of rumination, procrastination, and self-loathing.”
As a criminal defense attorney, I've observed that individuals facing pending criminal cases often become their own worst critics. Many repeatedly engage in negative self-talk, which only exacerbates their stress. However, I've seen a transformative shift occur when they begin treating themselves with self-kindness rather than self-criticism. Years ago at a seminar, I was introduced to using the framework of stop, look, choose and vote to gain consciousness regarding my thoughts and my decisions. Today, I am sharing about how you can implement the stop, look, choose and vote framework to develop a process for shifting from a habit of self-criticism into developing a habit of practicing self-kindness.
Stop
If you’re starting to go down a bad road of self-criticism (e.g., the “I suck for not buying pumpkins earlier” road), the first thing you need to do is to stop going down that road. So, pause and take note of your mental space. Is this where you want to be? If not, then stop. Taking deep breaths is a great way to help yourself press the brakes. One deep breath may not be enough, but after you take five deep breaths in a row, you’re already well on your way to slowing down. Even if you are feeling stress about a pending legal case, taking a moment to stop can help break the cycle of negativity.
Look
Now that you’ve stopped, look around. What are the options you have in front of you? Consider available options. Look for other paths.
Choose
Now that you’ve considered your options, you get to choose which option you will select. Going back to the sold-out regular-sized pumpkin situation, one option was that I could have bought a bottle of hard liquor, gone home with my head down, put the kids to bed with an air of total disappointment, and then after they were in bed, I could have drank myself into a place of forgetting or not caring about how I disappointed myself and them. Alcohol, drugs, endless numbing with TV or social media scrolling all can be used to try to escape from the self-critical feelings that we do not want to feel anymore.
A slightly less dramatic choice, but a still a self-harming choice, would be that after seeing that the regular-sized pumpkins were gone, I could have stormed out of the grocery store cussing under my breath that life sucks for me as working mom who doesn’t have enough time to prepare for Halloween in the way my kids deserve. This route likely would not have been as self-destructive as the hard alcohol drinking option, but it still would have left me feeling badly and would have caused me to stop looking for opportunities to make things better, because of the story I was choosing to tell myself.
Another option is the option to make the most of what I have before me: mini-pumpkins and kids who are happy to have quality time with me doing something fun.
If you have a pending legal case, you do not have full control over the outcome, but you can choose how you respond to the thoughts and feelings that come up for you. You can choose to say cruel messages to yourself over and over again, or you can choose to focus on preparing for what’s next with as much calm and presence as you can cultivate.
Vote
I chose to make the most of the night with the mini-pumpkins, and I chose to vote to focus on the fun and the connection that I had the opportunity to create with my sons.
Life will constantly present
us with opportunities to tear ourselves down and to see life
both as something we are failing
at and something that “others”
are messing up for us. But, when instead, we stop, look, choose, and vote
to do the things that are kind to ourselves, we show up and we create
so much beauty in the world.
On this night before Halloween, I chose to be kind to myself. That choice felt nourishing to me then and now, in reflecting on that night, I know that modeling self-kindness is something I want my sons to learn to do for themselves and there’s no better way than practicing on myself to show them how. The results were a magical Halloween eve with my sons. I believe that this magic awaits us all if we allow it into our lives by voting for kindness moment after moment and day after day.
In the midst of a pending legal case or any stressful situation, deciding to stop, look, choose, and vote can help you stay grounded. You may not have control over everything but you can control how you respond.
We all make mistakes, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you should have done everything perfectly. But life doesn’t always go perfectly. When life isn’t going perfectly, you can choose to respond with self-kindness.
As you navigate a pending legal case or other stressful situations, remember that treating yourself with kindness is the best way to show up for yourself, your family, and your future.
If you found this article beneficial, we also would love for you to share it with others who may be dealing with the uncertainty of a pending legal case or experiencing other stress in their lives. By passing along the insights we've gained, we can support one another and make our world a better place.
Comments